Thursday, September 22, 2005

The News You Need to Know

Breaking News: The 100 Minute Bible
Nevada Jack, reporting

From the land that gave us the King James Bible comes a condense version of God’s word that can be consumed in less time than it takes to watch a feature film or have a meal in a classy restaurant. Canterbury Cathedral, the folks who brought us the Canterbury Tales and Canterbury Eggs (oh wait, that’s Cadbury, different folks), has announced the publication of a 100-minute Bible.

"We majored on Jesus because he is the central figure of the Bible," the Reverend Michael Hinton told a leery crowd of reporters. "We also didn’t forget Noah and Jonah," two Biblical characters who go over well here in the land of dampness.

"Most people don’t know the Bible very well," Hinton continued. "Time will tell, but we think this will help alleviate the problem."

"Their readers will get a heavy dose of familiar stories," according to the Right Reverend Bighair, a skeptic of the project. "The familiar stories they dwell on have already enter our consciousness thanks to VeggieTales. "Who’s going to tell Tamar’s story, or the slaying of the Philistines. And what about the beautiful poetry found in Psalms, Isaiah and Revelation?"
"Nobody cares about poetry anymore, anyway." Hinton retorted.

"Are we going to have all ten of the Commandments?" asked Jimmy Swaggart, a former TV preacher currently displaced from Hurricane Katrina. "Don’t pay him any attention," Reverend Bighair advised. "He just wants to know if adultery is out."

Defending the attempt to provide an abridged version of scripture, Hinton reminded the crowd how life is today. "We don’t even have time to do the important stuff," he said, "so it’s no wonder no body has time to seek God’s truth for our lives. At least this way, people can have a clue."

Jane MouseEars, librarian at the famed Oxford University, was quick to point out the benefits of the new compact Bible. "It’ll save us money," she said. "We won’t have to build a new building to house all the books coming out if we can condense our existing stock. If this trend continue, we’ll get Russian novels down to a forty-five minute read. Just think, you can get through Gibbon’s The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire in less time that it’ll take you to watch Atlanta fall in the movie version of "Gone with the Wind."

Ms. MouseEars comments struck a cord with several students attending the unveiling of the 100-minute Bible. "Yeah, we can read the great books of the English language in a month," one bragged. "I could finally get through the Iliad and the Odyssey in an evening," another suggested. "Dude, we can get all our reading done the first September we’re in college and spend the rest of the time partying," proclaimed the head of the Alpha Beta fraternity. It should be noted that this fraternity was formerly known as the Alpha Omega fraternity, but due to a lack of interest in Greek, they decided to shorten their name and require their members to learn only the first two letters of the alphabet.

There were many dissenters at the news conference. One visiting American scholar wondered what the Brits would do to pass time during those wet miserable winter nights. "I cross the pond to read," he noted. "Certainly they’re not going to watch those dreadful comedies," he continued. "Even Monty Python and Peter Sellers movies get old after a dozen viewings."
On related matters, the publisher of Cliff Notes, the preferred condense version for generations of college students, announced that they are filing for an injunction to stop the release of the mini-Bibles. "They’ve stolen our idea," accused Mr. Abstract, the head of Cliff Notes legal department.

In an emergency meeting late last night, the Society of Biblical Literature condemned all attempts of Scriptural abridgement as works of the Devil.

I first heard of this Bible on NPR this week.

For real insight, see: Or the BBC newsrelease:


  1. Morning from michele's!
    Hope you have a great weekend...I cant wait for the fires and snow, the thought of summer leaving doesnt depress me, it gets me stoked for fall and winter...

  2. thanks for stopping by my site.

  3. Sounds like the way they teach American History.

  4. me again from Micheles! How's it going?

  5. Can you imagine and I am still upset that "through a glass darkly" has been changed to "cannot see clearly". I am not a terribly religious person and have a hard time sitting through any service, but I want it all to be there, if I decide to revisit.

  6. This is certainly interesting. Sort of like a fast food, going to the drive-thru!

    Michele sent me!

  7. Maria--I agree. Certainly saying that you can't see well is clearer than "through the glass darkly" but it doesn't haven't any of the poetry or imagery.

  8. Reality and satire have such a plausible overlap sometimes. Is too over the top to you?

  9. Pearl--I laugh at landoverbaptist, but their stuff is pretty far out. I really like the site "" which is another religious parody, but not quite as offensive as the landover site. I also have a whole list of political parodies that I enjoy.

    If you go back a few bit in my blog--you'll find several other parodies--one on the Michael Jackson trial, another on the "Jesus Streetlight" in Chicago. There may be a few others too--maybe I should learn how do an index (any tutors out there?)