Monday, June 13, 2005

And the winner is... (warning, this ain't exactly politically correct)

The overlooked winner in Michael Jackson’s acquittal is the Umbrella Man. He name has not been released, but his face has been plastered around the world as he holds a black parasol for Michael Jackson. The Umbrella Man assists the bleached out superstar whenever he's in the sun, like the walk he has from the curb in front of the courthouse, where his limo is parked, into through the front door some 30 feet away.

I caught up with the visibly relieved Umbrella Man at the water cooler outside the courtroom, right after they announced the verdict.

"How do you feel after hearing the not guilty verdict?" I asked.

"Man, I feel great. I was really sweating it. See the sweat stains under the arms of my suit? Shit man, I’m going to have to take it to the cleaners. I sweated like a horse in that room. I was 'fraid Mr. Jackson was going down and wasn’t going to volunteer to tote no umbrella in a prison yard. I’ve been there and you can’t get me to go back. My prayers are answered. Mr. Jackson is a free man and tomorrow, I'll put on another one of these fine suits and continue to cover his white ass face."

"What’s it like to work with a superstar like Michael Jackson?"

"Man, I tell you it’s great. Where else could I get a job like this? All I have to do is be handy with this here umbrella? And look at this suit, Man! You tell me where else could I work and get to wear a suit like this? The only other job that provided me with clothes was out on the highway. They had me wearing pinstripes, but not those narrow fashionable stripes, like a Wall Street Banker, not even those black on white pinstripes like the New York Yankees wear. No, I had to wear those dorky looking fat black and white pinstripes. And to top it off, I had to sport an ankle bracelet. Me, wearing a bracelet, it’s wasn’t no fashion statement. It was hard work, Man, picks and shovels are lots heavier than this here umbrella. And besides, food there on the road was horrible. But with Mr. Jackson, I get to wear these here good clothes and we eat good food. All I got to do is follow that little fagot around and pop the umbrella as soon as we step outside.

"Mr. Umbrella Man, do you think Michael Jackson was guilty of the crimes?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"But you’re always with him,"

"But I don't sleep with him. I ain’t stepping foot in his bedroom. Mr. Jackson don’t need no umbrella there and I ain’t volunteering if he did. "Now if his sister Janet came over visiting, I’d knock on her door. And with this here suit, and my award-winning smile, she might just let me in.

Good to talk to you Mr. Umbrella Man. It’s a big day for your boss!

"Yeap, you’re right, for him and me. The losers get to pay to lose. Rumor has it he’s going to do a remake of those old Jackson Five songs. You know the ones, don’t you? Where he sang like a woman trapped in a snake-pit." Shaking his head, he continued. "And people pay money for that, hell I get to hear that sound from my wife all the time. If people are so enamored with that voice, why don’t they come home with me late on night. I'll leave 'em there on the porch listening to my old lady while I go back down to bar and shoot myself some more pool."


  1. ROFLMAO - now that's what I call satire! =o)

  2. Surely not politically correct but funny as hell. Especially the bedroom comment.

  3. Michael Jackson, not just an innocent, pure hearted lover of under priviledged children, but a philanthropist...doing his part to support the 'Mercan economy. That's uplifting.

  4. I would have been too busy throwing up if there in person instead of interviewing part of the sick bastards that are part of his cover-up. I was sick enough at home....and stayed that way for many days....actually still sick about it.

    This sick predator needs to be behind bars before he hurts another child...His day will come and the ones that support him...will have to answer for that too. This of course..... is my opinion.