Organizations Unite to Challenge American Girl

Politically incorrect reporting by Nevada Jack


"Politics makes strange bedfellows," the old cliché goes. The truth of the adage is once again seen as forces unite to bring down the American Girl (AG) enterprise. Earlier this week, Don Wildmon, president of the Mississippi-based American Family Association (AFA), called on AG to stop supporting Girl’s Inc (GI), an organization that primarily serves low-income girls, many from an African-American or Hispanic backgrounds. Wildmon accused Girl’s Inc of supporting abortion rights, promoting lesbianism, and encouraging barefoot pregnant wives to put on shoes, work outside the home and demand the same pay for the same work as men.

American Girl is a toy company that sells dolls, with accessories, depicting time periods of American history. In addition to marketing dolls, they publish books about the experiences of the character each doll represents. The American Girl Place stores even offer teas, dinners and other "experiences" for the young girls who drool over their dolls.

Joining the AFA, is the Chicago-based Pro-Life Action League, who are currently threatening a boycott of America Girl and are suggesting that if AG doesn’t quickly mend its ways, they’ll set up boycotts of it’s store along Chicago’s famous Miracle Mile.

Joyce Royce, president of Girl’s Inc, is dumbfounded by the threats of a boycott. "GI’s mission is to help girls "dream big," she proclaimed. "American Girl has specifically supported three of our programs: science and math skills, leadership development, and physical fitness. I don’t know why Mr. Wildmon’s panties are in such a wad."

AFA later issued a statement denying that Mr. Wildmon wears panties, revealing his underwear of choice is Fruit of the Loom silk boxers.

Yesterday, the attacks on American Girl heightened as a new and previously unheard of group called for a national boycott. Jimbo Smith, recently elected president of Dad’s for a Balanced Budget (DABB), said he’s yet to understand why his wife and daughters buy American Girls dolls for 80 to a 100 bucks, with a couple hundred more thrown in for outfits and accessories. "Hell, they can buy a similar doll, probably made in the same Chinese sweat-shop, for 8 to 10 bucks at Walmart! Women go in there and lose all sense of proportion. My wife and daughter spent more outfitting Molly than they did outfitting my daughter for school," he charged at the DABB’s news conference. "And besides," he continued, "the money they’re spending in AG could be used to buy gas for my bass boat!"

Rightwing Hamilton, a DABBs supporter, said that he believed change must start at home. While his wife and daughters were inside AG, running up a world-record American Express bill, he addressed the crowd of men who had gathered for the DABBs boycott kickoff. "The problem with this nation is that there are no balanced budgets. How in the hell am I to balance my budget when the women folk in my house spend as much as a mortgage payment on a trip to AG. I mean, dolls and necessary accessories for each of my girls, high teas and a dinner that cost more than dining at the Country Club, it adds up. We could afford Bush's splendid little war in Iraq if we were spending so much on dolls. Balance budgeting needs to start at home, he shouted to the applause of the crowd." Rightwing was last seen making his way up Michigan Avenue, totting bags and boxes and listening to his wife and daughters tales of their day at AG.

Betsy Ross Rich, president of AG, announced a strategy to contain the DABB’s threat. This organization was developed by a group of men loitering in front of the AG storefront, waiting for their wives and daughters. We plan to open a sport’s bar called "DAD’S," right next door, so that these disgruntle dads can drown their sorry in suds as they watch ESPN or some fishing show on the Outdoor Network. When asked about the danger of drinking and driving, she noted that nobody could afford the parking to drive into this part of Chicago anymore. "Their wives can help them down the subway stairs," she suggested. Ms. Rich also dismissed Mr. Wildmon’s threat as nothing but hot air. We’re about as patriot and wholesome as you can get," she said. "We even edit history to cut out the juicy part, like why our little slave doll Addy’s skin is lighter than her mom’s. And we didn’t mention the whippin’ her Daddy got from his benevolent Mississippi master."

Even Mrs. Wildmon seemed unimpressed with her husband’s threats. Leaving the Chicago store with granddaughters in tow, she was heard quipping, "Don needs a hobby or something."

Nevada Jack didn’t have time to check out all the quotes here and has to file this post and run. His daughter just informed him that Samantha (one of her seven AG dolls) has a bum hip and needs to go to the AG hospital. Nevada Jack has to find an appropriate size box and get to the Post Office before it closes. Maybe, if his publisher offers overtime, he’ll check up on AFA, AG, GI, and DABB and get all the BULL.