The highly reliable news outlet, The Onion has reported that Pat Robertson made anti-American comments about pie. Robertson is a former Presidential candidate, a want-a-be target selector for CIA hitmen, the 700 Club host and the head honcho of his very own Regent University in Virginia Beach. "Well, he didn't publicly slam apple pie," his secretary said in his defense, "he just said pies aren’t delicious, then he got a little carried away and slipped into a tirade."
In an effort to understand Robertson’s latest jeremiad, I spent a day at Regent’s University talking to anyone who could shed light on the subject. In the cafeteria, I spoke with the pastry chef Eloise Smith who said that Robertson always had a piece of pie at lunch until last week. "Sometimes he’d even come back and get a second piece to have with his coffee," according to Eloise. "Something's fishy," I thought to myself, "that there must be some kind of catalyst to cause Robertson to snap." I set out to find the reason.
In the admission department, I spoke with Mr. Bringemin, the director. "You know," he said, "Mr. Robertson always ate pie until that cute little Minnesotan came down here."
"What can you tell me about this Minnesotan," I asked?
"She’s applying for our doctoral program in Communication. She showed up wearing a very short skirt, looked like something a figure skater might wear. It was totally inappropriate, for you know we require our female students to be more modestly attired. They don’t have to wear a burka, although many chose to do so. Some wear them to keep from tempting our male students, others because they’re down right ugly. Of course, we don’t require a burka, just that they have their legs well covered. But you see, this young lady strutted across campus with exposed legs creating mayhem. Over two hundred men received whiplash from doing a double-take, including several of our top athletics and preaching candidates who were temporary put out of commission. Confidentially, let me say off the record," as he lowered his voice, "there were even a few cases of whip-lash among our female students."
I was on to something fishy. I sat down in the chair across from Mr. Bringemin and asked if he’d tell me more. It turns out that this cute Minnesotan was wrapped in a blanket and escorted from campus by security. She kept shouting, "I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please just give me a chance." With smiles on their faces, the two security officers just say, "Sorry madam, we’re just doing out duty."
"But what does a beautiful women in a skating skirt have to do with pie," I further plied.
"You see, this lady was so intent on getting into our school that she came back the next day. In an effort to prove she could fit into the "Suzie Homemaker" expectations we have for our female students here at Regent, she brought a pie. President Robertson was quite impressed and invited her into his office. It turns out she’d been a flight attendant. Quite professionally, she served Robertson a piece of cherry pie and just as he was getting ready to chow down, picked up a cup and asked, "coffee or tea," and winked. Robertson was hoping for a third option, but that wasn’t to be. "Either one," he said after a few tense moments, then he bit into the pie. Immediately, he spit the pie across the room. Those cherries left red pokey-dots all over her blue burka."
Something was fishy. I had to find this mysterious woman from Minnesota. I bribed a work study student with a stick of chewing gum. She immediately took it and hid it in an undisclosed place. I didn’t know that gum was considered contraband on campus (making it highly sought after and a good bribe). The student gave me her name (which will remain anonymous) and phone number (which I’m keeping for myself). I rang her up and she agreed to meet. I told her not to wear that silly burka, that I'd preferred the skating skirt. She suggested we meet at the Chatterbox Café. (A perfect place for a communication major, I thought) When I got there, she was easy to pick out of the crowd. She was the only one wearing a skating skirt and goosebumps covered her legs, but she had a smile that warmed the room. Everyone else looked as if they were dressed either for a reenactment of the siege of Leningrad or ice fishing. We got ourselves a booth and I gave her my vest to put over her legs to keep her warm and to reduce to the stares we (or more likely she) received from the other patrons.
"Who taught you how to bake pies," I asked?
"My grandma," she said, "she was the wife of a Norwegian fisherman."
"And what was her recipe?"
"For the crust, I take some flour and since grandma never had any Crisco or shortening, she’d use harden codfish oil…"
"That’s enough," I said. I knew immediately the reason Robertson now hates pie. As for the Minnesotan, she’s cute and will be a real catch for some lucky guy, but only if he doesn’t mind eating out or cooking for himself. After making a call back to my contact in the admissions department, I learned that Regent University will accept her as a grad student, but only as a distant learner via the internet. This arrangement protects fellow students and faculty from lustful thoughts about this figure skater with bright blue eyes and a wonderful smile.