A week or so ago I told you about my stellar physical. I’m in good shape, or so I thought. At the time, Doc mentioned that he’d be referring me for a colonoscopy. I didn’t think twice about it, until Murf asked in a rather sardonic tone if I wasn’t going to have my colon checked. The Doc made it sound routine for a man of my age (now doesn’t that sound reassuring). He sat me up with an appointment in late May and I proceeded to forget all about it. Then yesterday, a thick envelop came in the mail. It was addressed to my first name, always a bad sign. Normally I only get bills and bank statements to that name. The return address identified the sender as “Gastroenterology Specialists, P.C.” With shaking hands, I tore open the envelope and began reading about all that I had to do to prepare for this exam. I’m not sure, but this sounds like something that might come under the Geneva Convention definition for torture. This is serious stuff. Several times, I was told in big bold letters not to come by myself to the appointment. Someone else needed to be there with me, to drive me home and to stay with me the rest of the day. WHAT? Doc didn’t say that I had to clear my calendar. He made it sound like I just had to take a little medicine and to fast for a day and the specialist would look around a bit and we’d all be happy. It turns out that the “little medicine” is about a gallon’s worth, that I have to fast for over 36 hours with only clear liquid (I suppose that means that instead of scotch, I’m going to have to get some gin or vodka, cause I may be needing it). Then, the last 12 hours I got to go without drinking anything except for the medicine (I’m having serious thoughts about becoming an IV drug user). Then I essentially get knocked out while they go on a fishing expedition up my colon (it’s been a long time since I had biology and I forgotten the thing was so long). I know some of you have endured worse things, but I've always been healthy. This is my first serious proceedure in a hospital since my birth.
I was with my primary Doc last night at a meeting and told him that I didn’t sign up for all this. With a chuckle, he admitted he downplayed what was required. That’s an understatement! I think I’ll sue for malpractice; either that, or just go back to being 49 again. The good news is that my Doc will be turning 50 in a couple years and will have this to look forward too.
Heeheehee...can I volunteer to be your caregiver? :-)
ReplyDeleteYou know, I was just thinking..this could be the way to lose those 10-15 lbs that you needed to lose.
ReplyDeleteYou will be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteAnd, just to give you some Murfish encouragement, I have had to drink that gallon of medicine you speak of and it is some really nasty stuff.
Sounds horrid, but is important to do - a girlfriend of mine had a horrible experience when she had a perforated colon - she wasn't yet 50 so hadn't had any colonoscopy - - it will be well worth it in the long run
ReplyDeletep.s. and I know guys get prostate exams, but until you've had your breast and chest wall flattened to a pancake between two slabs of glass, you really haven't lived!
I saw a guy get a colonoscopy on Dateline once. It really didn't look all that bad. I'm guessing for me, the worst part would be not eating for 36 hours and drinking for the last 12. Good luck.
ReplyDeletenooooooooooooooo sweat! been there, done that!!! {grin}
ReplyDeleteseriously, i won't lie cause you might hit me with a wet noodle afterwards. it's not the funnest thing i've ever had done but well worth the piece of mind.
the easiest part is during the colonoscopy procedure; they gave me just enough drugs to make me feel in a drunken stupor, therefore reason for designated driver.
just read your post to hubby and he said while laughing, "i've been through four or five of them; get over it"!
*giggle*
Maybe you'll get the videotape of the fishing expedition as a parting gift.
ReplyDeleteWow. Not sure if I've just never really paid attention or what, but I, too, had no idea a colonoscopy meant all this. Sorry to hear you'll have to deal with all this but you're a trooper Sage, you'll get through it before you even know about it.
ReplyDeleteAnd what a sneaky guy your primary Doc is, lol.
I hope you all know that in writing, I created a bit of hyperbole in other to be funny.
ReplyDeleteTHanks Murf, since you were so excited about this prospect, I think I'll pass!
Kevin, thanks, I'm already looking forward to drinking that junk
Diane, yes, it's a good thing to have done! I'm glad there are a few things I haven't expereinced!
Ed, don't worry, you'll get your chance to in a decade or so
Karen, glad you husband got a laugh out of my misery!
Murf, I don't think I care to see it
V, yes, he's sneaky, but he's also a good friend
sage~ hey if you can't laugh...
ReplyDeletethe prep is a little dicey, but the actual procedure is a piece o' cake, ah, OOPS! i mean, you won't feel a thing after they dope ya up and the procedure doesn't take long at all.
maybe i'd better just shut up, ya think!?! :o)
btw, Diane's right, i've had both procedures and squished breasts are lethal!! {grin}
Oh get a grip, its no big deal. Imagine having to push a little human being out of an opening that size without the comfort of a potty or nice drugs...
ReplyDeleteGet a good book, an nice clean potty and read for the evening.
I brought the portable DVD player in the potty with me and watched "I Claudius" for the evening during my prep. It helped that my gallon o'pooping juice was cold...just went down easier. Perhaps a tiny little umbrella in the glass would help?
Had my first one when I was 36, and given my genetic history, its way way better than the alternative. Trust me. You have to go a lot longer without food and fluids when you have to have your colon resected in surgery.
You'll be all cleaned out, your are going to be given some FABULOUS legal medications, and you'll have a wake up after a day of sleeping. I'd volunteer for another one just for the meds and the sleep.
Oh, and spend a few extra pennies for sensitive skin baby wipes (NO ALCOHOL or you'll wind up shooting through your roof screaming like a banshee in pain with your pants around your ankles) and really soft toilet paper. You'll be glad you did.
Just think, if you were a celebrity you'd be paying upwards of 400 bucks for a "cleansing colonic" in some moron's house with no drugs and no little camera to look for cancer.
I'm scaring myself with the banshee image I just conjured up in my mind...eeech.
I turn 55 Monday, and have yet to endure this tortuous procedure. Not a good thing, something about turning an "exit only" door into an entrance. Have fun!!
ReplyDelete