Tuesday, January 17, 2006

A Vampire for Governor?

Politically incorrect reporting by Nevada Jack

The warm weather continues. It didn’t even drop below freezing last night and it’s raining this morning. This is Michigan, for heaven’s sake. How’s one to hibernate when with weather like this. If this keeps up, I’ll have to take plenty of naps during berry season.

I’ve used my time to keep up on human politics. Some of it is very weird, with politics being such a blood sucking business. In Minnesota, which has been known for doing crazy things, such as electing a professional wrestler as governor, there is now a vampire running for the office. Jonathon Sharkley, dressed in a cape made from draperies and sporting greased-backed hair and canine teeth, announced his candidacy on a full moon, Friday the 13th. Like many politicians today, Sharkley is running on a law and order platform, vowing to personally impale convicted of murders and child abusers on the capitol lawn. This guy probably has a personal vendetta against child abusers, for there is no way anyone can be that screwed up without some help. He must have been abused as a child!. For those convicted of lessor crimes, Sharkley promised he’d stick their tongue to a pump handle in January and let them spend the day on display. After reading about his campaign in the news, I decided to run on over to the ice fishing state where I hope to get a good walleye dinner in addition to getting to the bottom of this story.

Reaction to Sharkley’s campaign has been mixed. The Twin City director of the Chamber of Commerce is worried. "Too many Americans wonder about us already. They think we talk like those guys in the movie Fargo. What are they going to think when they hear our governor sounding like William Macy as he impales a convict in public? This won’t be good for tourism."
Knowing he needed to sound more "mainstream," Sharkley contacted a branch of the University of Minnesota. The Dean of the Department of Communication assigned one of his junior faculty members to the project. I caught up with the young lecturer as she was coming back to her office after meeting with the self-proclaimed vampire.

"Good afternoon, Miss. You appear a little red in the face, I take that as a good sign. If your face was pale, I’d wondered if he feasted upon your blood," I joked.

"I’m red faced because I’m hot," she snarled with a Minnesota accent, obviously not happy about her assignment. "I’m wearing two turtlenecks and a couple of scarves, I wasn’t taking any chances with this guy."

"What’s he like?" I asked.

"He’s a little creepy, like all politicians, but it’s also refreshing to have a politician honest enough to admit he’s a bloodsucker. Excuse me now, I need to go take off a few layers of clothing." With that she closed the door to her office.

Ms. Fashion, the director of marketing for Gap, pointed out that she has seen a definite shift in clothing sales over the weekend. "This time of the year, we’re normally beginning to put out our summer clothes. But nobody is interested in low-cut blouses this year."

In another bizarre twist, the Mayor of Gilroy, California, garlic capital of the world, was seen driving a produce truck into the Twin Cities. Obviously, he sees an opportunity for his hometown.

Garrison Keillor, a son of Minnesota, shook his head when he heard about Sharkley’s campaign. First Jessie, now Dracula, he mumbled, but then noted that it would give him another season’s worth of material for Prairie Home Companion radio show. "Can’t you imagine the governor visiting Woebegon?" he asked. "And I’m sure one of those Norwegian Bachelor Farmer’s pitchforks will be more effective than any wooden cross with a spike on the end in saying good riddance to the Governor Dracula."

Sharkley is running on the Vampyres, Witches and Pagan Party’s ticket. He admitted he’s using an antiquated spelling to sound more hip. In addition to reaching out to law and order votes with his unique views of capital punishment, Sharkley is attempting to draw in the environmentalists with a pledge to reintroduce wolves into city parks across the state. As a bear, I feel discriminated against.


  1. Ah yes, Sharkley...I was wondering how long it would take before that news hit the nation. He was featured on the radio station this morning with an interview. I was living in Colorado when Jesse got elected, but whenever I mentioned where I was from, I got the inquisition, "did you vote for him?" "what is with those people?" etc. After hearing about Sharkley, I am beginning to wonder if we are the land of 10,000+ weirdos not lakes.

  2. Having lived in Minnesota for five years during the election and some of the reign of Jesse, I must say after hearing this that the entire state must have gone nuts.

    Like Christa, I got asked if I voted Ventura quite a lot and I can honestly say no. In that election, I voted for the Republican candidate because I thought he was the lesser of THREE evils.

  3. Vampyre sounds like an 80's hairband.

    "Here tonight! In Philips Arena! With a free pre-show by Lisa Lisa!! IT'S....VAMPYRE!!!!!"

    *snarling electric guitars*

  4. Well the good news is they'd need a vampire slayer, and i'm the woman. :)

  5. First of all, I miss Christa's blog. I wish I could read it. What's the deal with needing a password? :(

    Also, I think it's strange that a vampire would want to be in politics: Seems like a rather 'dark art' even for a vampire.

    Sage--thank you so much for visiting my blog and wishing me well. You are a great guy! :)
    BTW, I always thought you lived on the East Coast...hhmmm....you always keep me guessing!

  6. Hi Sage...I have a new post on my memoirs site A Little Bent.