Good News for Dark Beer Drinkers

Politically Incorrect Reporting by Nevada Jack

Researchers at Oregon State University announced yesterday that flavonids, a compound found in hops, can be useful in eliminating "free radicals." This discovery may provide another tool in the fight against cancer. Since hops are primarily used in beer, the share prices for stock in Anheuser-Busch (BUD)shot up 24% by mid-afternoon. But after such stellar gains, the price dropped to a new low by the bell. Traders quickly started dumping BUD when news got around that traditional American lagers like Budweiser contain only a trace of hops. Also driving the stock price down was the claim made by Miller Brewing Company that Anheuser-Busch has changed their formula for Bud Light. Bud Light brewers deny this, but beer connoisseur Billy Bob Smith supported Miller’s claim, suggesting that Bud Light now contains even more swamp water.

Oregon State's findings are good news for microbreweries who make much of the darker beers consumed in America. Since Porters, Stouts and Ales contain more hops, they thereby contain more flavonids. Scientists were cautious about suggestiong darker beers, as they have more hops than their lighter cousins. A professor at the press conference in Corvallis refused to speculate when a reporter asked if his findings mean we should consume more beer. However, it should be noted that following the press conference, all the scientists were seen drinking Oregon’s own, Pete’s Wicked Ale, at a local pub.

The press conference broke out into a riot when scientists announced plans to hire research assistants to help them study the relation of hops and beer to cancer prevention. Thousands of students rushed the podium, hoping to obtain one of the coveted positions. The admission office was suddenly overflowed with applicants from their rival, the University of Oregon, as students positioned themselves to participate in such noteworthy research. By the end of the day, the Corvallis Police Chief called the Governor, requesting the National Guard be mobilized. "This is just what we needed, a scientific excuse for college students to drink more beer," the chief whined.

In related news, President George Bush is now serving dark beer at cabinet meetings, dispelling rumors that his staff only drinks Busch Lite. "This stuff gets rid of free radicals," he told his staff as he popped open bottles and passed them around. "First, let’s drink to Al Franken’s demise." As the meeting continued, new rounds were dedicated to a different radical in the media. Maureen Dowd, Molly Ivins, and Alfred E. Newman each had their turn. By the time the meeting adjourned, no one in the room could find Iraq on the map, nor did they care. Condoleezza Rice, reporting in my speakerphone from the Middle East, expressed her frustration at not being able to join the fun. "They don’t even sell beer here," she complained. The president said he’d look into the situation, reminding everyone that freedom means you can choose between a porter and stout.

Several conservative columnists also joined the campaign to free the nation of radicals. Bill O’Reilly expressed his preference for Guinness, reminding listeners of his Irish roots. Rush Limbaugh, rubbing his belly, laughed that he has been trying to rid the nation of free radicals for years. However, conservative columnist Ann Coulter refused to join the bandwagon. "Nobody really cares what I say," the leggy blond reported. "I’d be all washed up if I grew a beer belly like Rush." Last month, the "Liberal Men’s Room, a chauvinistic collection of male liberal media moguls, honored Ann as the hated conservative columnist they’d most like to love.