Thursday, November 24, 2005

Bush's New Surprise: America going metric!

Politically incorrect reporting by Nevada Jack

Rumor has it that several Republican congressmen, at the encouragement of the White House, will introduced legislation early next year calling for America to join the global community and adopt the metric system.

According to insiders, the President’s physician and mental health counselors are driving this unprecedented change. Unidentified sources, close to the President, acknowledge the tension every morning when the President receives his daily weather briefing. "I’d prefer to give him the number of car bombing in Iraq as to tell him the daily temperatures," one anonymous staffer admitted. "As soon as he hears the word Fahrenheit, the man goes ballistic. He forgets all about the weather and starts shouting at his FBI advisors, asking if they’ve gotten anything on Michael Moore yet."

Michael Moore is the producer of the documentary Fahrenheit 911, which raised questions about the competency of the Bush’s presidency.

"The Docs recommended he receive such reports in Celsius," the unidentified staffer reported, "as a way to calm his nerves and lower his blood pressure. It took a few weeks for him to understand how the scale works, but after sweating it out a few days in the heat of summer, in which the President dressed for an cool autumn weather because the temps in the low 40s C, he quickly learned."

"The President was a good sport about this," another staffer noted. "He doesn’t admit he’s wrong, so he’d leave on his sweater even though it was hotter than hell."

Supposedly, according to the same undisclosed source, the President began asking questions about the metric system and how it worked. "Even I can divide by 10s," the President reportedly bragged. "I’d always had trouble with my numbers when dealing with fractions and having do divide by 12."

"Mr. Bush became become a starch proponent of the metric system," according to Mr. Rove. "But don’t blame him if you don’t like us going metric, blame Mr. Moore. If it wasn’t for Fahrenheit 911, we wouldn’t be having this problem." With tears in his eyes, Karl Rove concluded his remarks, " Michael Moore and his fellow Democrats are ruining America."

A quick poll of people on the street showed apathy toward the President’s ideas. "In the olden days, kings could change measuring units based on their size of their shoes or the length of their arms, I suppose the President could change things for his emotional well being," one resigned citizen said.

It should be noted that Mr. Bush isn’t the first Republican President to flirt with the metric system. Chubby Howard Taft considered changing the nation’s system of weights, thinking 159 kilograms sounded better than 350 pounds. Congress in those days had more backbone than today. They were willing to stand up to the President, even one larger than a refrigerator (although few people knew what refrigerators were back then). President Taft's idea died when the Speaker of the House told him: "get real or get a hobby."


  1. I really like Taft (except for on April 15--the income tax came into being during his watch). But on the positive side, he was the last President to have facial hair!

  2. Someone else wanted to change to the metric system back in the 60's or 70's. I remember thinking I hope
    Congress does not pass that, because I'd have trouble learning a new system!

  3. That was amusing.
    Yes, Americans should join the rest of the world by adopting the metric system ;)

  4. Dressed for cool autumn weather with the temperature of 40 C?
    He'd have heatstroke if he does so!
    That's 104 F, for crying out loud!He needs to get his temperature scales straight.

  5. Yeah Thomas, I was thinking of temperatures in the Southwest (US) during the summer--in the low desert you can get days on end in the low 40s.

  6. This is too funny! There is always something to say about W, he just makes it too darn easy. I really like this Nevada Jack character, seems like a straight forward kind of guy.