Monday, February 13, 2006

Dead-eye Dick

Politically Incorrect Reporting by Nevada Jack

The quote of the week goes to Katharine Armstrong, daughter of a Texas cattleman, whose ranch was the location where Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a hunting partner on Saturday. Ms. Armstrong described Cheney as "an excellent, conscientious shot." This was after he had shot someone, for heaven sake! I know it isn’t really funny, but I laughed. I always assumed the real danger of Cheney and guns came from him shooting himself in the foot.

Not since Gerald Ford terrorized the golf world have we had a member of the executive branch to be personally so dangerous

Later news reports elaborated on the story with more insight from Ms. Armstrong. "The Vice President didn't see him," she said. "The covey flushed and the vice president picked out a bird and was following it and shot. And by god, Harry was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good."

Armstrong tried to make the accident sound like an everyday occurrence. "This is something that happens from time to time. You know, I've been peppered pretty well myself," she said.

When I use to hunt, I’d save my peppering for later. After rubbing the prepared birds with oil, I'd douse 'em with pepper, right before sliding them into the oven. I wonder if their liability insurance carrier knows that that peppering hunters has become a regular pastime at the Armstrong Ranch?

Armstrong continued her explanation: "It knocked him silly. But he was fine. He was talking. His eyes were open. It didn't get in his eyes or anything like that," she said.

Of course, he’s still in the hospital. He spent two days in intensive care unit before being moved into a regular room. Some peppering! Where did they find this woman? She's a natural for Granny on the Beverly Hillbillies (although pictures of her make her look more like Ella Mae). At least she called to inform the newspaper, beating the official channels that didn’t break the news until almost a full day later.

One of Cheney’s security agents called the local sheriff about an hour after the accident and conveniently arranged for the sheriff to interview the parties involved the next morning. This allowed everyone except for Mr. Whittington, to have a nice uninterrupted evening meal. Mr. Whittington dined in the hospital. Somehow, if I accidentally shot someone who ends up in ICU, I have a sneaky feeling the Sheriff ain’t going to be willing to wait till the next morning to have a chat with me.

When asked if the Vice President had done anything wrong, Ranger Rick from the Texas Fish and Game said his one bird was well under the Texas daily bag limit and that there are no limits on lawyers in Texas. He cited Cheney for not having the proper bird stamp on his hunting license. It seems the Vice President had stuck a 37 cent stamp with an bald eagle on the license, not realizing that stamps went up to 39 cents. Cheney’s office said he sent a check for the difference.

In a news article later today, hunting safety instructors from several states laid the blame for the accident at the hands of the Vice President. "He was the one pulling the trigger," they said. "He is responsible for what he’s shooting at." They must all be Democrats. After all, as this administration has indicated so many times, they’re incapable of making a mistake.


  1. Clearly, though, as Armstrong stated, the one shot is just as responsible as the one who pulls the trigger. She's a shoe-in for the Supreme Court.

  2. Old people shouldn't drive or use firearms.

  3. I heard that when the paramedics first arrived they started putting Cheney on the stretcher as a force of habit.

    Cheney may be in a little deeper now that his victim had a heart attack due to buckshot in the heart. I really like the gate at that ranch. I wonder if I can put one at the driveway of my "ranch" style house.

    Personally I think it must have been a slow news days for the media to get into a frenzy over not knowing for 18 hours. It's not like it was hidden for weeks.

  4. media has to have something and this admin aims to please

    happy v-d

  5. Heard another one this morning. The reason that Dick Cheney shot the man was because he thought his hunting partner was going gay cowboy on him.

    And another:
    Knock knock.
    Who's there?
    Dick Cheney.
    Dick Cheney who?

  6. Ed, there were lots of different jokes from various late night comedians in yesterday's paper (we get an afternoon issue).

    Of course, the events have taken on a more serious turn with the man who was shot suffering a heart attack.

    And Kontan, what will people think about you wishing me happy VD? (I hope you were wishing me a happy valentine's day... From what I've been told, all reasons to be happy have faded by the time VD appears). Sorry, but remember, I do have a cynical side!satirical.

  7. ING, on the "one shot being just as responsible as the one shooting..." Should we revise that old saying for our modern times: "Guns don't kill people, walking in front of them kills people."

    Bush needs a woman for his next Supreme Court nominee, so maybe she'll be the one.

  8. :P sorry!!! i'm not in to hallmark holidays. but i do hope you had a great valentine's day...sans VD ew.

  9. I keep thinking that this is the guy who would lead the U.S. if Bush were incapacitated. Then I shudder. Then I thank God I live on the other side of the border.

    From a journalist's perspective, I'm not entirely unhappy: I got a great column out of it:

    Which then touched off even more fireworks on my blog and in the letters to the editor section of the paper. So it all worked out in the end.